Last Night's Entry, Posted Today

Burning candles and listening to some music I don't normally listen to.  I promised myself I would just type and not think anything out.  Simply let my fingers do the work.  I've been thinking about death...probably a bit too much.  In between dreaming and waking...thinking, thinking, thinking.  I cry knowing that everyone will be weepy and sad if I leave this world soon.  And I don't say that with conceit.  I say it out of love and concern for all those I care about.  I can't help but think of the year and a half that went by...where that wonderful man of mine was absent from my life because both of us were busy keeping score and holding grudges. Instead of trying to repair a love we both knew couldn't be replaced. Lesson, live in the moment. I chuckle thinking about how it's taken me this long to understand my father.  That the touch of his hand on my back is a security and warmth I really never thought we'd have again.  I don't regret a single moment it's taken me to get here with him though.  I wonder what goes through Mom's head when she doesn't hear me "stirring" around in the morning. When she comes near my closed door does she listen for breathing??  Is she overwhelmed thinking about "loosing" me?  I question why people "What if..." me. What if the cyst in your breast is malignant?  What if the doctors say you have three months left to live?  What if you can't go back to DC at the end of the month?  I don't really "do" what if's because they are just that, "what if's".  I could "what if" myself into delirium. What if doesn't change a situation or give it more clarity.  It's speculation.  It's hoping for answers to the unknown.  For now however...let's play the "what if" game. Ha ha.  Just once, and I get to give the answers.  Ready...go!!

What ifI was never diagnosed with cancer???? 

I would have never started noticing pink and orange sunsets. I wouldn't know the value of true friendships.  I would still be taking myself too seriously.  I wouldn't be grateful that I get to hang out with my parents every Friday night . I would have never realized how sweet the birds sound singing at the crack of dawn. Or how fun it is making snow angels in the snow. I would have never realized how quickly children grow and how important it is to watch them do it. I would still be taking my sister for granted.  I would be complaining far more than I actually do about things that actually don't matter.  I wouldn't have decided to swim in the lake or get on the boat for the Pony swim.  I would be less likely to pray and have faith and more likely to act like the world owed me a favor.  I would never be able to see beyond the clouds or see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wouldn't have noticed those beautiful flowers sitting in the Mojave desert and I wouldn't have found humor in getting left in the dark at a park I had never been to.  I would take hugs and laughter for granted and my doggie's wet nose too.  

It's been difficult these last couple of weeks, to tighten the laces on my boots.  (They have some extra wear on them since they helped Aunt Gloria with her wings.) I'm still not sure we're going to hike this next hill gracefully or at all. So for now, I am going to sit quietly and rest and brush the dirt off my knees.  If you see me, and want to sit and stay awhile I'd sure like that.  If you don't, I'll understand that too.

I sure do love y'all.