Thursday, November 30, 2006


You should all know that today it does not matter that I have cancer. Let me tell you why. Today, I was shot at least a dozen times while I was coming out of the bathroom. I was poked with a wooden sword at least four times, pelleted by some other firing device with balls, and stabbed a good twenty five times by a plastic sword that actually cut my leg requring  a band aid!! 

Today, I'm thinking the cancer needs to be scared!  There are some tough little guys running around here!!

Someome should have told Aunt Rene to come prepared with weapons!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Heart Wants What It Wants ~

I want to play dress up, listen to funky music, and dance around with the kids endlessly.

I want to bottle up my nephew's laughter and save it for days when I am feeling blue.

I want to learn the words to all of Ellie's songs, and the hand motions to when she's singing them too.

I want to find the energy my sister has for her 24 hour day, that continues to amaze me.

I want to fall hopelessly in love, remembering "it's" all about taking that chance.

I want to see "old faces" of friends who made me laugh.

I want to make amends.

I want to cook one gourmet meal for my friends and family, feed it to them, and have them live to tell about it.  :)

I want to go whale watching.

I want to inspire.

I want to make a difference.

I want to always try to live by the rules I "preach" about.

I want to say I love you, every chance I get to all the people I do


9:28 pm ~ I found this in my emails today from one of the kindest souls I know. ~

Drink plenty of naked juice !  Play some truth or dare with some friends  !!!  Run around the house naked !(I mean when the kids are gone to school)! lol. Turn the Christmas music up loud.. Sing along !!!  Wrap the dog in wrapping paper !!!! Make some fudge !! watch a chick flick !!! Have a wonderful cozy day !!!

She get's "it"! She get's "it"!  

Isn't that some of the great STUFF life is about...that we always seem to forget about?? Too busy to enjoy?  Or make time for??

Thank God for this time...for these moments...and aren't promised another second.  

Monday, November 27, 2006


That's where you can find me for the next month! Bolling Air Force Base.  I'm back home!! YEAH!!!  It isn't Chester Mill Terrace "home".  However, it is as close to "HOME" as that is going to be!!  Besides, "HOME" really is where your family and friends are.

Other than the small dog chase...the drive home was uneventful.  I actually minimized that event for my sister's sake. It was a little scary.  Long story short.  We stopped for dinner.  Her dog escaped. We are in Virginia somewhere and the doggie just keeps on running further and further away. Georgia, the dog (Chocolate Lab) thinks it's all a fun  game. The kids are terrifed, my sister is running through  yards, my brother in law is slowly driving trying to get Georgia back into the vehicle, and I'm doing what I do half full optimistic she'll come back, it is ok, have faith, your mom will catch her, kind of stuff. So anyway, Georgia is now on house arrest per my sister.  She's a really great dog otherwise.  :)

No big tummy issues. Just a little nauseated.  But I'm learning. I took my medicine as soon as I felt it coming on, as to not get sick on the drive back home!!

I feel good!!!! The weather is a bit cooler here than in South Carolina, so my breathing is a bit shallow.  I'll have to adjust. Damn lung cancer. Ha ha.

More later!!!  xoxoxoxoxo

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Silence Is Golden, Or Is It?

Thanksgiving was absolutely amazing!! My family from Philadelphia drove in, my cousin Alan drove in from Florida, and my brother in law flew in too!  (You already knew my sister and the kids were here.)  Our family has not celebrated Thanksgiving "like that" in years!!!!!!!!   It was FABULOUS, and I only cried twice.

Yesterday, "Philadelphia" had to make their journey back home.  After we said our goodbye's....which I have to mention are never easy these days.  My parents, and brother in law, sister, and the kids, headed over to the lake for some fishing.  Me....I started some laundry, began packing for my month of vacation, and I took a much needed nap. Hence, that first picture up above.  Ha ha ha!!

Did you catch my words in the paragraph above?? MONTH OF VACATION!!!!!  I am going back home with my sister and Dave and the kids for all of December. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I am extremely excited.  I can hardly stand it.

OK back to Thanksgiving. I've hardly ever spent any quality time with my younger cousins. I can't describe what it felt like to get to know them. To listen to each of them talk and laugh.  Watch their personalities unfold so to speak. I truly enjoyed myself. It was simply just fun.

There was much reminiscing and plenty of laughter. And for a brief moment of time, it really seemed like we were all oblivious to anything else surrounding. Except, what was happening inside the four walls of our Thanksgiving weekend.

I will ALWAYS cherish these memories.

So much to be thankful for, so many blessings.

I love y'all so very much.

Packing to do!

12:29 pm ~ Dave is packing up the Suburban.  Shamefully, two suitcases and one "bag" is full of my STUFF.  We're outta here!!!!!!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Turkey Day!!

Did you notice the time?? Good Morning!!  Happy Thanksgiving!!

Wishing you and yours a day filled with blessings, love, family, friends, great food, laughter, and an abundance of amazing memories!

I'll write more later....I have 'taters to mash.

I love y'all!


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Sometimes You Come To A Fork In The Road...

...and you just have to kick it.

I had decided to get up early this morning because I knew Dad wanted to bring everyone to the new house and then venture off to Lake Hartwell.  I was in the kitchen before 9:00am.  Hard to believe, I know!!  I made some tea, and watched the phenomenon of Ellie's blonde bed head hair as she woke up, and sat for a few minutes before getting "pretty" for the day ahead.

Of course just as my hair is perfect, and my make up is on, and I'm getting ready to put my clothes on. I can feel a pain in my tummy...and I know what's about to happen isn't going to be pleasant.  Ohhh and it wasn't.  So, Dad made the tea and I took my "happy" pills and my sister made some dry toast and Sarah delivered it to me while I rocked back and forth on the floor waiting for everything to subside....and eventually everything did.  Subside, that is.

Thankfully everyone waited around for me and now, I am feeling righteous and loopy and silly...and yes better.  (It's amazing what medicine will do when you take as you are suppose to!) I grab a Pedialyte from the fridge and a fleece coat, hop in the Suburban with my sister and the we all go!!

The "new house" though not finished, is amazing.  The kids were thrilled to find out they all have their own bedrooms. We took a bunch of pictures and everyone then decided to hike down to the lake.

I have never hiked down that hill.  For obvious reasons, right?  Lung cancer for starters. I was also feeling a little drugged from the morning "adventures".  Of course I am always the one preaching live in the moment...and well here I was in the moment.  But you know I couldn't get it out of my mind, that this might be the last time I have the opportunity to hike down the hill with the kids.  Play near the water.  Find some shells.  Take family pictures. Slide in the mud.  Find a single yellow flower growing lonely allby itself.  Sitting in the Suburban and later hearing about their fun could hardly compare!! 

I took a deep breathe...looked at the fork in the road....and yep...I kicked it.

The way down was nothing compared to the way back up.  I was emotional for some reason.  Oh who am I kidding. I am emotional anyway.  But these days...I am soooooooooo emotional. Half way back up that hill I cried.  I cried. I cried.  Maybe for what was gained at that moment.  Or maybe it was even for all I felt I have been loosing. Either way, I did it. I climbed back to the top.  And to think...I actually questioned the moment!!

What an amazing day!!





Monday, November 20, 2006

Sure Am Tired ~

My sister and the kids didn't get here until after 1:30am. She says I gave her bad directions!! We stayed up chatting past 3:00 am.  I woke up to the wonderful pitter patter of little feet right outside my bedroom door....a little earlier than I am used to.  NO COMPLAINTS!!  I wouldn't have it any other way!!  The kitchen table was covered with snowflakes.  Apparently, there was an early winter snowfall indoors.  You'll notice the picture.  (Lola is always good for crafts!!)

The kids are asleep and I am equally exhausted. 

Big day planned tomorrow.  We're going to see "the new" house! camera is fixed!!!  Don't ask!  It's working and I'm grateful for that!

I'm also grateful for another day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love y'all!  Goodnight!



Sunday, November 19, 2006

A Brand New Day ~

A close friend of mine constantly reminds me that the sun will eventually shine again, even when I can't see beyond the clouds.  I know this.  I really do.  I am the glass half full girl!  I do need that reminding sometimes though, that extra push.  I am grateful for it....and extremely happy the sun is shining so brightly today!

I am feeling much better today.  I love my Friday night "dates" with my parents.  However, it never fails that I splurge a little too much and get sick from whatever it is I eat.  I should really choose better foods that I know my stomach will be happier about.  It's just that's terribly difficult to do that with so many great choices on a menu.  Ya know????????????????????

My mother is an amazing lady. All my life I used to think I could "do it" without her. That was a bunch of immature pride though....oh and a whole bunch of stubborn. It would be near impossible.  Often on my bad days, she will make me hot tea.  She always puts it on my night stand and then asks me if I have taken anything for the pain, knowing I haven't.  She tells me to take "a pill"; I listen. Then she says something silly about the cancer and we laugh. There's enormous comfort somewhere in there. Before the effects of the pain meds kick in, I always fall back asleep. I love you Mom!!!

I'm off to get new batteries for the camera and maybe I'll have someone look at it to see why it isn't playing nicely with me! 

My sister and the kids will be here this evening!!!!!!!!!

More later.        xoxoxoxoxox


Saturday, November 18, 2006

Pedialyte...Not Just For Babies....You Didn't Know?!

The night was bad. 

This morning was worse.

So far today my only meal has been Pedialyte.

For those of you that don't know, the tummy "issues" are because the cancer has metastasized to my pancreas.  Happy, happy, joy, joy.  :)

Back to bed now.

I love y'all.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Status Quo

I'll bet you've been wondering where I've been all day haven't you?  Oh that's right....most of you actually work or have real lives!!  Ha ha!  I was actually awake and out of the house early.  I had a blood draw and weigh in and potassium check and all that other good stuff just to make sure the cancer was still there and I was still alive.  Guess what?  Status Quo.  Nothings changed enough that I needed to be admitted.  Although, you should know.  I've learned my lesson.  Every week now, when I do go to the hospital for my "checks". I bring a bigger than normal "purse".  It neatly tucks away all the items I may need should the good doctors decide I need to camp out for a few days.  You chargers, a brush, razor, People magazine, tweezers, my jammies, an extra bottle of water.  Hey better to be prepared than to be in those terrible hospital gowns with your hiney hanging out, right?!!!!!!

This is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love the feeling of Fall. The crisp, cool air. The beautiful changing color of the leaves...even the smell.  Sigh...that's of course why I included that amazing picture of the trees.  Originally, I was going to take pictures in the backyard of our trees.  However, my digital camera seems to be having malfunctions.  It keeps saying I need new batteries.  Yes, I changed the batteries!  What am I stupid??  Don't answer that!  I changed the batteries, and it is still saying the batteries need to be changed.  I tested the batteries in two other worked fine.  It's the camera!  HELP!!  Ohhh I already tried cleaning the little chambers where the batteries sit per Cassie's suggestion.  If anyone else has any suggestions please send them this way!  I have some very important little people coming to visit this Sunday. I would like to take an abundance of pictures of them!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it's Friday and as many of you know I have a dinner date with my parents. I'll let you know who picked the restaurant and how the food was upon returning!!!  Happy Friday!!!!!!!!!!!


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Drinking??? For Breakfast???

Yes! Naked Juice's Red Machine. Which consists of:  7 cranberries, 28 raspberries, 27 strawberies, 3 apples, 1/2 pomegranate, 1 orange, 1 banana, and some grapes.  THIS is one of my "CHOSEN" foods.  I like it. My tummy likes it.  It's VERY high in potassium, and well I have close to no potassium in my body so this is a very good thing!!!  :)

The night was a rough one...and at some ungodly hour before the sun was even awake I hear my Nextel phone chirping. A very southern man on my two radio telling me he needed me.  (CASSIE!! are you paying attention!!!!!!)  Now, if I had actually known him....that would have been a very welcomed call!!!!!  However I didn't. He obviously had the wrong number. Oh by the way, nobody went over the phone rules with him!  Ha ha ha! :)

I have cards to stamp!

More later.

One card stamped.

Lots of emails answered.

Still a few phone calls to return and some fires to help put out.

Thank God for another day.

I love y'all.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Getting up and out...

My oncologist called in a new tummy medicine for me yesterday.  I'm going to pick it up...just as soon as I can get myself going.  It's unfortunate that I'm so sensitive to some of these meds. Hence, the late start today.  Well, and many other days too!!  I can't even take Benadryl without getting knocked out for the all this other stuff I'm taking.... GOOD NIGHT SUZY!!!  Barb, Marsha stop laughing...I can't help it if I have no tolerance to the stuff!!  I'll be back later to write more!

It's almost midnight and I'm exhausted.  You'd think I actually went shopping with Barb today...when actually I just stayed on the phone with her while she shopped for shoes.  We do that alot.  Barb and I.  Shop together.  While she is in Maryland and I am here in South Carolina.  It isn't quite the same obviously.  BUT, in some great way it brings comfort to us both and let's face it....we don't miss each other quite as much either!!!!!!!

Mom's adoboe chicken (I don't know if that's spelled correctly) is sitting nicely in my tummy so I'm going to try to tuck in now.

Thanks for all the WONDERFUL, LOVING comments!  Please keep them coming!!!!!!!!

I love y'all!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The official introduction to my journal...

I know you're wondering about the title of my journal.  It's not an invitation, and it isn't me being hopeful for a meal!  It's a spin off from a song by Chris Rice.  My sister told me the song reminded her of me.  I've since heard the song at least 40 times.  I have yet to listen to it without crying.  As far as I know, he wrote the song for his wife who died.  It's a beautiful song and I will include the words here once I am done babbling. 

Each time I hear the song, I picture my sister singing...and I suppose I am thinking she is thinking that one day she's going to be living without me.  That's when my tears start.  I'm not certain if they are selfish tears. Or if they are simply tears of sadness and worry.  I just know that I can't imagine my life without her, so I hate to think that she has to ever think of it even for a moment.

Pamela if you are reading this I love and respect you more than you will ever know.  I want to grow up and be just like you.  Thank you for breathing for me when the pain is too much for me to bare and thank you for truly being the wind beneath my wings. This battle, this journey would be impossible without your strength.

Anyone else crying??

Here are the words to the song. When you are done reading, PLEASE keep reading because I am going to explain to all of you who aren't so computer savvy how you can comment (blog) back to me on my journal and keep up with my day to day life!  Got it??

Breakfast Table

Is it a million miles to heaven
too far to hear my lonely song?
Or is it just my imagination I hear you humming along?
I only hold you in my dreams now.
I wake up with cold and empty arms.
Lord help me get through this long night without you ,
And soon as the morning comes,
Soon as the morning comes.

Save me a seat at the breakfast table.
Save me a dance around the Milky Way.
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears.
All I've wanted to say.
Save me a smile and an angel's feather.
Save me a walk down the streets of gold.
And baby,we'll change our minds just like old times...
And maybe we'll just fly away.
Or maybe we'll stay.

My lucky doll, you're in heaven before me.
You were my taste of heaven here.
Remember we loved to talk about it, we couldn't wait to get there.
So you go on and find your way around now.
But remember I'm here missing you.
Do me a favor and say hey to Jesus!
And tell him I'm missing him too.
Tell him I'm missing him too.

Then save me a seat at the breakfast table.
Save me a dance around the Milky Way.
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears.
All I've wanted to say.
Save me a smile and an angel's feather.
Save me a walk down the streets of gold.
And baby, we'll change our minds just like old times.
And maybe we'll just fly away.
Or maybe we'll stay.

Now, for all of you that are tired of playing  "phone tag" with me and would rather see how I'm doing via web or have forgotten the phone "rules" :) and would rather comment here on my journal.  Or for those of you that would like to do both, just look below at how to blog or leave comments.  Even on my really bad days, at some point I'll get up and go on the computer. So, I'll be able to add a journal entry to let you know how I'm doing and I'll be able to read your words of love and encouragement...hint, hint!!!!

That's it for now!!

Should I not see tomorrow, I'll be saving you a seat at the breakfast table ok?