Pig Tails, Soccer Cleats and Coffee

It's not even noon, and it's been a busy day here at the Browning house.  I have to say, being a parent must be one of the biggest and most rewarding "challenges" in life.  Sometimes, I seriously have no idea how "you people" do it!!!

I was awake around 6:30 am.  However, after a late night with Barb and ummmm NOOOOOOO there was no drinking binge!!  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I did around 8:00 am when I heard Ellie screaming for her mother.  Apparently, Georgia (the dog) pushed Ellie out of her bed.  Sending Ellie onto the floor and bumping her head.  Bad, bad doggie.  Nothing an Aunt Rene couldn't fix though.  A little holding and kissing the forehead.  Phew!  That was easy!

Now, breakfast. For the most part...Dave did that, for the younger two (Sarah is already with my sister playing soccer.). We all sat together...small talk and giggling.  Though not much eating...mostly singing and some dancing too!  Irreplaceable.  The kids hurried upstairs to change into soccer gear.  They are also playing soccer today.  Ellie requested "piggie tails" as she came down in pink shin guards.  Hardly a "match" for her green uniform!!  :)  I might be bias...but I am positive "they" don't get any more adorable than Ellie.  However, pig tails are a bit of a task because "Owwww that hurts my head Aunt Rene".  Far worse than the bump on the head, trust me!  Getting Daniel to just  acknowledge he had changed into his uniform (he sort of gets lost upstairs!!!).... ummmmmm I still don't know if he's dressed!!!!!!!

The door bell has "sounded" twice.  The dog's been barking.  I put dishes away, and washed a few too. I toasted a bagel.  Caught a glimpse of the soccer game on tv. David brought me a cup of coffee.  I did the pig tails over again, took my meds and now here I sit.

Not even noon. Funny...I need a nap!

No Complaints

I came downstairs about twenty minutes ago.  Pamela is sitting at the dinning room table with the kids doing a "project" with Play-Doh.  How cool is that??  You'd think I was seven.  My face perked up and I smiled with excitement when I said, "coooooooooooooooool".  You know, Play Doh is fun at any age!?!! It's one of those childhood pleasures you don't outgrow!!!  Like cotton candy, pbj's and playing in the rain.

I've been here almost a week.  I've visited Capital Women's Care, gone out to lunch with Michelle, played with Barbi, Tita and Uncle Al and of course Stephen and I escaped for a few days together too.

I'm feeling good. No "incidents" other than taking the new pain killer (Oxycontin 80 mg).  Either there wasn't enough food in my tummy or it is way too strong for me because I got sick and dizzy. No fun.  Just when I thought I had slept it all off....I got to the bowling alley with The Browning's and fun, fun got sick there!

It's BEAUTIFUL outside today.  I am with my family.  I have fabulous friends and an amazing boyfriend.  I'm still winning the battle.  What's there to complain about it?

I love y'all.

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a recurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission), Krissy's husband, John and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Brenda.

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

495 Isn't So Bad, Afterall!!!

Have you ever driven on the Capital Beltway in Washington, DC??  Well, it is actually Virginia. Ohhhh who cares!  Everyone knows I am geographically challenged!  OK...back to the beltway.  I was driving back onto base yesterday and of course, came up to some serious traffic.  So, I decided to call for biopsy results.  RELAX!!  I had an ear piece in...I WAS hands free.  I was transferred to a nurse who told me I was in queuve for a call from my doctor after he was finished seeing patients.  HOWEVER, she was permitted to tell me the tumor in my liver was now smaller!!

Me:  Are you sure?
Nurse: Yes. That's great news isn't it?
Me: Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So that means it isn't malignant??
Nurse: Your doctor will call you back when he is finished seeing patients. Congratulations on the good news!!!!

Picture this...I am now crawling through traffic, nearly in tears and trying to dial every person I know.  Not a single person is answering!  What is the matter with you people?????  Where were y'all at 2:44 pm yesterday??????????  : ) 

I came back onto base and decided I would nap for a little while.  There's really nothing like being awakened by your oncologist telling you your tumor is benign and the lumps in your armpit are oil glands more prominent now because of your weight loss!!!

Yahhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  How exciting is that???????

It's kind of funny.  I'm not so patient.  I do horribly in traffic...but what a blessing yesterday's traffic jam brought!!!!!!!

Prayers work.
Miracles are possible.
Simply believe.

I love y'all. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

Priceless

Don't anyone worry!!!  I arrived to DC safe and sound.  The flight was actually uneventful other then the air conditioning.  It was way too cold.

As always, it's great to see my family.  The kids are growing so quickly.....shhhhhh...it makes me feel old.  Yup, I said it!  I am positive my oldest niece went from 2 to 10 without even blinking!

I haven't had any doubling over pain in five days.  I probably shouldn't say it out loud.  I'll jinx myself!  I was uncomfortable trying to get to sleep last night.  I'm not certain why.  After two hours of struggling and sitting up and laying back down...I was out cold.

When morning came, it was difficult not to be excited.  "The man" came to pick me up so we could spend some time together.  Well, he was actually taking me to have a blood draw BUT afterwards we came back to the house and just "hung out".  We took a nice walk by the Potomac and watched planes fly in and out.  We sat on a bench for awhile giggling and acting like kids in love.  We also ate LOTS of homemade brownies!!  Thanks Pamela!

Dinner was at Chile's with Tita and Uncle Al.  Too much food as always.  Ohhh but the company was GREAT!

I heard the Redskins lost today and theEagles won. Let me try to contain my excitement!!!  (happy dance, happy dance...)  Ha ha.

I'll be in Mo County tomorrow morning.  I think Barb is coming to DC for dinner and dessert.

I'm going to tuck in now...while the "going" is still good!

I sure do love y'all!

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a recurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission), Krissy's husband, John and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Brenda.

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

Still Groggy

My biopsy went as expected.  The doctor did a biopsy on the lumps under my arm pit, as well as the tumor in my liver.  Unfortunately, the soonest I get results is Monday afternoon.

I am still groggy and have not finished packing yet.  So, this is going to be short.

I'm off to DC tomorrow.  I am unbelievably excited!

Sweet Dreams!

I sure do love y'all.

Who Knows What Tomorrow Brings

Liver biopsy is tomorrow at 7:30 am.

I had a FABULOUS Wednesday with Julie. She made the greatest suggestion EVER.  To buy scrap books and start creating them for my nieces and nephew.  That way, when I get my wings they will each have something special from me, made specifically for them.  The moment she told me, it was all so surreal. I cried. It is a painful reality, that I just might not be "around" when they "grow up".  Sigh....

The last few days have been kind to me and the pain meds have been working.  I'm still breathing...I cannot complain.

If you're wondering...and I know a bunch of y'all are....the Chuck Norris comments are from FC.  My cousin, Rachel.  Please don't ask me to explain.  It's an inside joke from a very late night on the phone together!!

I'm off to tuck in now.  Details on the biopsy tomorrow.  I love y'all.

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a recurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission), Krissy's husband, John and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Brenda.

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

Inevitable...

 

               

 

It's extremely cool in Anderson, this morning.  I love this weather.  The chill in the air.  Not cold enough for the heat or warm enough for air conditioning.  Sleeping with the windows slightly open and waking with a cold nose.  LOVE IT.  Fall is rolling in.  A gentle reminder that life is ever changing.  True as that is,  I'm sure you'll agree...change is difficult sometimes.  It's odd because clearly we all know change is bound to happen.  Correction, we know change is going to happen.  It's inevitable.  Yet, many of us buck that notion.  The gray hairs, the fact that children are growing up, someone we love will die, even the price of gas.  Again, though we have no control over these things. Often, we have such difficulty accepting them.

 

Maybe we should begin to embrace change.  Realizing...it is the only way to move forward, to grow. to learn. Change enables seeing life in a different light...perhaps putting something lingering into perspective. Change allows us to begin again. To start over on a blank canvas or to close a chapter in a book that has long since ended.

 

Change gives us the beautiful radiant colors of the autumn leaves, the first snow fall, a new born baby, a graduation celebration.  Change means, our eyes are open and we are continuing to develop or evolve.  It simply means taking this journey called life,  one step at time...discovering ourselves and all that surrounds us the way it was intended to be.

 

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a recurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission), Krissy's husband, John and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Brenda.

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

Saturday's Events

         

Saturday was amazingly cool!  Girl Scouts Rock!!  I rested myself the best I could, because I wasn't missing another meeting!  Julie came to get me around 1:30 pm.  We took the girls for bike riding and a few games at the field.  That was for starters.  Afterwards, we went to the roller skating rink!  We have a few new girlies.  Getting to know their names seemed to be challenging for both Julie and I!  We'll get it though!  The roller skating rink was a blast to the past.  And trust me when I tell you, not much has changed.  The dark lights, the music and a bunch of kids camped out watching and socializing.  It was fabulous!!!!!!  Julie and I didn't put on skates.  We did escort a few of the girls round and round as they needed it. Jon, Julie's husband decided he would skate.  We're positive he had more fun then the girls!  Now, that was hilarious!  :)

 

By 5:00 pm I was done.  Breathing hurt.  It was all well worth it though!  Look above at all those smiling faces!

It's delightful outside today but I am taking it easy.  Waking up with significant pain sucked, and I am medicated heavily.

I may come back again, before I tuck in.  If I don't...remember to count your blessings and don't forget how very much I love and appreciate y'all. 

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a recurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Brenda.

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

 

"Your Liver, With A Glass Of Chianti"

  

Comment from: renessister "Is it my computer, aol, or did you really post nothing?  I already have all the days news but I'm sure t here are others who are curious about the nothing on your liver. I love you sister!  Sweet dreams!!"

 

Thank you BUNCHES to my sister, for the above comment.  I wasn't quite sure how I was going to explain what happened today.  Apparently, Pamela didn't have that same issue!!  Ha ha ha ha    sister of mine!!!!  :)

Let me start off by saying I had a painfully rough morning.  Trying to get up and get dressed didn't come so easily.  My appointment with Dr. Lund was at 8:45 am. Mom drove me, because pain killers and driving don't mix!!

He went over my enormous file with me.  It included my entire cancer history, minus blood work from my last appointment with Dr. Jennings.

After the questions and answers and a physical examination, which I assure you was as comfortable as sticking a knife in my eye.  Dr. Lund said he  wanted to talk to me.

To make a long story short he told me the spot on my liver was nothing, the pain I was feeling was muscular and I just needed to take some Tylenol.  (Of course I didn't hold my tongue, y'all know me better than that!)

(What did he mean nothing???  As in, not malignant?????)

Needless to say, I left that office confused, angry and with tears streaming down my face.    

I demanded an appointment with my oncologist after that fiasco. I saw Dr. Hunter at 3:45 pm. I needed clarification, a solution and to make certain he knew I wasn't going back to see Dr. Lund.

Here's the deal.  My tumor is surrounded by clumps of blood vessels.  In most cases, that means the tumor is benign. In my case however, my oncologist determined the tumor is malignant based on what he saw in the scan. However, since it is not his speciality and he did not want to take chances (considering I have cancer everywhere!!)  he referred me to Dr. Lund (it is his specialty) for a biopsy.

Dr. Lund, based on the "blood vessel clumps" , decided or should I say assumed no further investigation needed to be done. Hence "the tumor is nothing, take some Tylenol for the muscular pain".  Let me chime in, I have no medical insurance...and hate to say this but perhaps that is why he decided to write me off before he made an accurate diagnosis.

Muscular pain????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You've got to be kidding me?!!  Sometimes I can't even get out of bed in the morning it hurts so badlyl!!

Friday the 21st at 7:30 am I will have my biopsy at the hospital under their team of oncologist's (Not Dr. Lund!!!!). Dr Hunter also scheduled an abdominal and pelvic CT. 

My doctor was extremely apologetic and was equally upset that I was not given "the kind of care a patient deserves".

I am tired.  Girl Scouts tomorrow!  YEA!!!!

I love y'all.

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a recurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Brenda.

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

 

When Morning Comes

Bedtime was seven minutes ago.  I still need to get in the shower so I don't have to wake up extremely early in the morning to get pretty.  My appointment with the new oncologist is at 8:45 am.  If my blood work is "good" and he has all my medical records...I should be able to have the biopsy on my liver and maybe even the laser to zap it out.

If you don't hear from me tomorrow.  You know you'll see some words from Pamela.  : )

I cannot say it enough...thank you for the prayers and comments.  It does wonders for my attitude and spirit.

I love y'all. 

Sweet dreams.

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a recurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Brenda.

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

Walking With You, Too...

Last night before I went to sleep, I checked emails.  I found this one in my box.  It's from my cousin, Rachel.  It made me cry. Not a bad cry however, a really good cry.

(Don't ask why we call each other FC!!)

I love and appreciate you FC, more than you will EVER know!

 

Read on...

 

Hey FC,

 

I just want to let you know that you took a walk with me today. I was on my way home from class at about 6:45pm and I was walking down the mall at a pretty fast pace--I was COLD (as I always am) and I was in a rush to get home and eat and get to some work before some friends come over tonight. Then, out of nowhere, I thought of you. I slowed my pace drastically, and let myself feel the chilly soft wind flow around me. I uncrossed my arms and breathed in. So THIS is what it's like to just feeeeel the world. I knew you were walking with me because you're the one that taught me how to walk and feel the world, and it felt good. I wasn't even as cold anymore. So I walked slowly down the mall and looked lovingly at my favorite animals in the world--Penn State squirrels--and watched people as they walked by, some with ipods on and some just talking to others with them.

 

I was so grateful to have you with me at the time because you helped me appreciate life--it wasn't the first time you did it, and it won't be the last. But I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated the company, and I hope you walk with me more often.

 

I love you FC!!!!

 

Rachel

 

 

 

At some point, I hope I can walk with each of you...and FC I'll walk with you again any ole time!!!!

 

Much Love xoxoxoxox

 

 

 

 

Good News...for now

I had a difficult time coming up with the title for this entry.  I thought...Good News, Bad News...The News...Here's What You've Been Waiting For.  But none of those titles seemed to express what I'm thinking or feeling.  So I thought a little longer and realized that today's news is happy and it's what we don't know that could be not as good news.  So keeping that in mind I've decided to remain optimistic and not think too much about the "what if's" as my sister would say.

The lump in Rene's breast is an infected lymph node.  No cancer, praise God!

Can I leave it at that and just let us be thankful for a while?!

I can tell you are wondering what else I might have to say.  Well, Rene would want me to tell you that she had some serious concerns about her sono tech when she seemed unable to locate her (meaning Rene's) breast.  Rene had to let her know that, that was her armpit, and the lump was in her breast.  It went something like this, "No! No!  I didn't feel any lumps there."  The tech replied, "No! No!  I did."  So, what that means is a biopsy has been ordered.  The doc says the lumps in her armpit are "suspicious."

(Recap: Lump in breast not suspicious. Lumps in arm pit are.)

Please remember not to dwell on the what if's.  If you'll stroll down memory lane with me, you'll recall that the "bone cancer," was Gout, the tummy lumps were infected lymph nodes and a hernia, and now the "breast cancer" is also just an infected lymph node.  I'd say my dear sister is full of miracles.  Don't let these lumps be a possibility for bad news, let them be hope for another miracle. 

Just so you know, everyone down south is in good spirits.  I'd say they've learned to roll with the punches with incredible grace.  Talk about taking lemons and making lemonade.  Leave it up to them to make it the sweetest.

Prayers for comfort and a good nights sleep.  Prayers for more miracles.  Prayers that we will all learn to make lemonade out of our lemons. 

Thank you all for being a blessing to my sister, your prayers lift her up and motivate her (and me) to focus on the glory of life.

Love,
Pamela

Her Name Was Beth

I tried writing this earlier, but I could barely keep my eyes opened.  The meds are kicking my butt and so is the tumor on my liver.

Below I am including a journal entry written by my friend Bethany who fought her battle with Ovarian Cancer bravely, with much grace and undeniable inspiration.

Her parents copied this entry for me, when she died.

"She said that she was taught years ago that cancer was a disease of anger. It’s ironic, I don’t recall ever being an angry child. I don’t recall being angry until I was old enough to know what cancer was and what it might mean for my life.

Sometimes you become so accustom to living a certain way you forget how important other aspects of your life are because you’ve been ignoring your own needs in hopes to survive.

What I am grateful for today: A new friend

A ride home

Laughter

Another day of life

My own bed

Irene came in to my room on Saturday miserably. Her eyes full of hope and sorrow. My first thought was she’s cute. My second thought was it has been way too long. She told me her story, I told her mine.

We talked about everything and especially of her new boyfriend that she spoke to on the phone numerous times but one time in particular that is still making me laugh. She has the heartiest laugh I have heard in all my life. She has far more courage than she thinks and her maturity is that of a very old soul who has lived and learned lessons a few times over. If my purpose on this planet of this time and age is to give someone my love for life, my spirit...it is meant for Irene. She holds much of that on her own and is modest about it. She just needs to believe. Believe, believe, believe, believe.

I’m not afraid anymore. I have not been fearful for sometime now.. Through cancer I have found the meaning of my life.

Dad and Mom are coming up for dinner tonight. I told Mom I wanted to fall in love before I died. She told me not to use the "d" word.

My new friend walk with the ease of the wind. Have the strength to continue and know even if you feel alone you are never really alone.

Turn in circles like you did as a kid until you are dizzy and can’t stand it any longer. Laugh loudly, stick your head out of the window while your friend is driving fast+ down a country road, pop your bubble gum the way your mom hated you to, chase the good humor man and then let your pop sickle melt, play hop scotch and hide and seek, love everyone you come in contact with especially the difficult ones.

Good night and thank you for another day LORD.

Bethany"

I hope you "get" the lesson in those words.  Bethany lived her life with purpose and meaning.  She inspired me to do the same.  I never liked hearing people say Bethany "lost" her battle with cancer.  As far as I'm concerned she lived her life despite her cancer.  It never defined who she was. She "lost" nothing!!

Mammogram and ultra sound for my breast tomorrow...well later today (Tuesday).  Say prayers please.  : )

I love y'all and all the comments are absolutely amazing!!!!!!!!!! Thank you!

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a recurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

Good Night, Irene

I've read that some penitentiaries paint the cell walls baby blue as it is suppose to have a calming effect.  I hope this color brings some calm into your life.  Rene sure could've used some baby blue tonight.  It's a good thing that the best nurse (that would be mom) and lots of drugs seem to do the trick.  At 11:42PM I heard that special ring tone (be it ever so humble there's no place like home- you'll have to google the music if the lyrics are unfamiliar to you), letting me know it was my parents number.  I figured immediately it was Rene (my parents never call that late).  She was in terrible pain.  It seems the pain is getting worse and more frequent.  I listened, we cried, I breathed deeply, and she tried to.  It's amazing how slowly time goes when you want it to pass quickly.  When it was all over we were laughing again and sharing the highlights of our evening.  I told Rene that we were making up new lyrics for the "What are little girls/boys made of..." song.  It never seems fair that the girls get all the sweet things and the boys get the puppy dog tails.  We came up with good ones for all the kids, but the funniest was the one for the cat.  Daniel said, "What is Faith Browning made of?  Fat and fur and gets on my nerves, that's what Faith Browning is made of."  If you knew our cat, you would know that she only likes Sarah (my oldest) and is not very kind to the rest of us despite our efforts to charm her.  It was very funny, we were all belly laughing.  Rene shared with me that she and my parents also laughed hard recalling an episode when Rene and I got caught for skipping school (all young impressionable readers should not read any further).  It seems that we both were forging my father's signature on the same day at the same time.  Needless to say, our signatures were not identical, oops, BUSTED!  I'm glad we can laugh about it now, at the time, no one saw it as humorous.  Anyway, mom took the phone from Rene, propped her up with her husband (just one of those pillows with a back and arms), gave her some tea and more drugs and that was it.  She slurred a very peaceful and sleepy "I love you" and she was out.  Mom and I laughed and were thankful it worked.

Say prayers for a good nights sleep and a less painful tomorrow.  Say prayers for all those you love and  then those you don't.  Say prayers for grace and forgiveness, we all need that.  Say prayers that todays mistakes will be tomorrows strengths.  I'll say prayers for all of you.  Sleep tight!

With much love,
Pamela

Last Night's Entry, Posted Today

Burning candles and listening to some music I don't normally listen to.  I promised myself I would just type and not think anything out.  Simply let my fingers do the work.  I've been thinking about death...probably a bit too much.  In between dreaming and waking...thinking, thinking, thinking.  I cry knowing that everyone will be weepy and sad if I leave this world soon.  And I don't say that with conceit.  I say it out of love and concern for all those I care about.  I can't help but think of the year and a half that went by...where that wonderful man of mine was absent from my life because both of us were busy keeping score and holding grudges. Instead of trying to repair a love we both knew couldn't be replaced. Lesson, live in the moment. I chuckle thinking about how it's taken me this long to understand my father.  That the touch of his hand on my back is a security and warmth I really never thought we'd have again.  I don't regret a single moment it's taken me to get here with him though.  I wonder what goes through Mom's head when she doesn't hear me "stirring" around in the morning. When she comes near my closed door does she listen for breathing??  Is she overwhelmed thinking about "loosing" me?  I question why people "What if..." me. What if the cyst in your breast is malignant?  What if the doctors say you have three months left to live?  What if you can't go back to DC at the end of the month?  I don't really "do" what if's because they are just that, "what if's".  I could "what if" myself into delirium. What if doesn't change a situation or give it more clarity.  It's speculation.  It's hoping for answers to the unknown.  For now however...let's play the "what if" game. Ha ha.  Just once, and I get to give the answers.  Ready...go!!

What ifI was never diagnosed with cancer???? 

I would have never started noticing pink and orange sunsets. I wouldn't know the value of true friendships.  I would still be taking myself too seriously.  I wouldn't be grateful that I get to hang out with my parents every Friday night . I would have never realized how sweet the birds sound singing at the crack of dawn. Or how fun it is making snow angels in the snow. I would have never realized how quickly children grow and how important it is to watch them do it. I would still be taking my sister for granted.  I would be complaining far more than I actually do about things that actually don't matter.  I wouldn't have decided to swim in the lake or get on the boat for the Pony swim.  I would be less likely to pray and have faith and more likely to act like the world owed me a favor.  I would never be able to see beyond the clouds or see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wouldn't have noticed those beautiful flowers sitting in the Mojave desert and I wouldn't have found humor in getting left in the dark at a park I had never been to.  I would take hugs and laughter for granted and my doggie's wet nose too.  

It's been difficult these last couple of weeks, to tighten the laces on my boots.  (They have some extra wear on them since they helped Aunt Gloria with her wings.) I'm still not sure we're going to hike this next hill gracefully or at all. So for now, I am going to sit quietly and rest and brush the dirt off my knees.  If you see me, and want to sit and stay awhile I'd sure like that.  If you don't, I'll understand that too.

I sure do love y'all.

SNAFU

I'm not sure what happenend folks. There was a jounral entry posted last night.  I know this for certain because... 1) I wrote it.     2) Dawn (Princess Aurora) actually cut and pasted part of it to me in an email. 3) Many of my other friends have emailed me saying they were alerted by AOL that I posted a new entry BUT it wasn't in my jounral to read!!  Sigh...

I am heavily medicated at this moment, and need to sleep some of it off.  I will try to figure out what the issue is with AOL.  Either way, I will return later to write again!

I love y'all tons! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

A Short Update

I love all the comments! THANK YOU! Keep them coming please!

I woke up Wednesday morning with much of the same pain as the last entry. No fun. That wonderful man in my life stayed on the phone with me while I cried and bellowed. He really surprised me...it used to be he couldn't even bear to hear me cry.  Mom made tea and toast and rubbed my legs and back.  I took Oxycontin and prayed it wouldn't be long before it kicked in. I shut off my cell for awhile so I could sleep deeply and uninterrupted...and much sooner than later, I did.

I haven't been answering the phone and I'm way behind on emails.

My ultrasound and mammogram are rescheduled AGAIN for September 11th.  My appointment for the liver tumor is September 14th.  I see my cardiologist September 20th and September 22nd,  I'm flying back to DC.  :)

Please click on this link and pass it on! http://www.parade.com/features/your-america/flashes-of-hope.html

 

I'm going back to sleep.  I love y'all.

 

            HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

to my sister and brother in law!!!!!! 

 

PRAYERS and BIG ANGEL HUGS for Chris Carey. This is a  special day honoring the life and death of her daughter,  Elizabeth.

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a reoccurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

 

Cancer Patient Gets Liver Pain Under Control & Tummy Cancer Goes Wild

Finally,  pain I can say that was WORSE than child birth!  SERIOUSLY.  The only difference...I didn't deliver any of the cancer.  It's all still inside of me. What a bad deal!! 12:31 am yesterday morning.  I'm uncomfortable.  I get out of bed, go to the kitchen for some water.  I came back to my room and used the potty.  I turned the light on, paced the floor for oh I don't know a few minutes, and at 12:37 am all hell broke loose in my tummy.  Before you ask, YES I took an Oxycontin at 10:30 pm.  It obviously wasn't working!!!!!!!  I tossed my cookies.  I sat on the edge of my bed rocking back and forth convincing myself the pain was going to subside.  It didn't.  I screamed for my mother three times.  In her nightie, obviously startled she came into my room trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  All I managed to get out was "it hurts, it hurts...it's never going to stop."  Trust me, I believed that.  I don't know why I insist on rocking back and forth when it's painful BUT I do it. Mom sat right next to me, rubbing my back while I sobbed and told her I just couldn't do "this" anymore. Scary words to say...worse when you actually feel like it's true.  I called my sister at 1:41 am.  She's usually excellent at calming me. The pain was too much though and I could barely concentrate on what she was saying to me.  Mom kept taking the phone, updating Pamela and handing it back to me.  Pain wasn't going away.  Neither was my sobbing.  Peppermint tea!!  That always seem to calm my tummy some.  Mom went to brew it.  The pain still wasn't subsiding.  I knew I was going to die.  I hung up with Pam, and Mom came back with a cup of tea.  She again sat right next to me and I laid my head on her shoulder and just let it all go.  Uncontrollable tears. I sipped the tea and Mom convinced me to take a half a Percocet even though it wasn't time.  I did.  She propped pillows up on the bed, put my legs under the covers and made sure I was sitting up as "comfortable" as I couldbe.  More tea.  Less rocking back and forth. Still sobbing. The pillows felt good behind me and at 2:07 am the meds put the cancer to sleep for the night.  Shortly after, I was asleep too.

Those tummy "sessions" used to only last twenty minutes or so.  That one stayed from 12:37 am to 2:07 am.  Believe me when I tell you, I don't want to "do" that again and I don't know if I could.

I told Mom, if that continues to happen....she needs to shoot me because I am not willing to live like that.  It just isn't living!

The ultra sound on my breast and mammogram is tomorrow at 1:45 pm.  Mom is taking me since I can't drive doped up!

It's way after bed time.  I have to tuck in. 

I love y'all!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxox

Please say prayers for my parents . They "watch" me every single day. They do anything and everything they can to make my life easier and comfortable.  Even when I'm at my worst, they still love  me and laugh with me.

Please say prayers for my sister who feels helpless when I make those "after hour" calls.  She never says so, but I can only imagine if I were in her shoes how badly I'd want to rescue her.  She's my sister...."without her I don't make sense"!!!!!!!!!!

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a reoccurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

.