Apparently I wasn't very clear while praying recently. When I told God I wanted to look good in a bathing suit...I didn't mean by way of tossing my cookies daily. And when I prayed to fall in love again before I died...I should have been more specific by saying I wanted to fall in love again and live a very, very long life with him, before dying. :)
I'm trying to keep my sense of humor. Some days it is easier then others. Most days, the reality of my cancer...simply has me feeling down.
I know it isn't necessary to plead my case. I mean, I am usually glass half full. However, I am feeling exhausted daily. The pain has not decreased, and the fact that I cannot keep a full meal down has become discouraging. So, when I talk about "this" being the beginning of the end or I cry each time you hear my voice. It isn't my lack of faith, or me not having the will to feel better or live. It is my reality.
I realize that it is scary for everyone who reads my words. I promise you though, it is the most frightening for me. With that said, forgive me if I am not so quick to return your call or I am aloof. Every part of me wants to be understood, but sometimes I can't explain what my reality feels like...and more so I don't want to sit and talk about it.
My biopsy for the tumor in my spine is still scheduled for this week. The only purpose for it, is so that my oncologist can stage the tumor and know how much treatment I will need should I choose the Biological Therapy.
I am also scheduled to go back to DC this week. YEA!!!!!!
I am going to tuck in now. BUT not before asking....
UNCLE GRAVY ~ DID YOU TAKE YOUR PILLS TODAY?????
I love y'all tons.
*** Please say prayers for my family.
*** Please say prayers for Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .
*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family. He is in Iraq, fighting the war.
If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!
10 comments:
Hello my love! I think at some point in time, we are ALL guilty of not making our wishes totally clear. The power of belief and faith are amazing as you are living proof of it. I can't wait till you come home and I know that you will have more better days. You are the most beautiful and inspiring person I know and it's ok that you are not up to discussing the realities as long as you are ok with the big picture. You need to do all that you want to do for you and stop being the amazing friend that we love and taking care of us. Let us be there for you and hold your hand, pray for what you want and need and be your shoulders to cry on,give you laughter, or just listen. I wanted to let you and your journal friends know that PartyLite is sponsoring RELAY FOR LIFE teams all across the country in the next year to help grow our yearly contribution......we just gave them a check for over $903,000 to go towards the research and development of a cure. I truly believe that they will find something to help you survive this even though some of the days are very grey and tiring, should you CHOOSE to do it. I LOVE YOU my friend and always will.
Many hugs and prayers.................Michelle
hugs amd prayers
Barbara
Princess..have u tried eating very small meals? I mean like 6 of them a day?
U r always in my thoughts and prayers...honey....don't worry over phone calls...just keep writing....I enjoy this journal so so so so much.....Don't forget
ur angels r watching over u!!!!!!Love Pammy****sleep tight***don't let the bed bugs bite***ha ha......******U r a shining star.....
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you & have you in my prayers.
Have you tried the smoothies that Cindy told you about? If not, give them a try,
Get some rest & know there are lots of people who care about you.
Hugs,
Sugar
Did you try the spheres? I know you're feeling discouraged. You're right, it's not lack of faith, it is reality. I don't like it either. Sometimes reality sucks. It is at these times our faith makes us find the blessings in our reality. I'm thankful for every day we've had since Christmas Eve 2001 (plus lots of days before that). I'm thankful for your love of God and your willingness to glorify Him through your cancer. I am blessed that 35 years ago God put us together and has given us more laughter, love, and blessings than I ever thought possible. Through him all things are possible. I'm just gonna keep praying for that miracle. I'm thankful I get to be part of your reality. I love oyu sister!
I wish there was something I could say to make it better. I prayed so hard when my husband was ill and if wilpower and determination could have made him better he would have lived to be 100! Sometimes we both felt totally defeated as if it was all a cruel joke, but it was at those times that God gave us the strength to carry on. I couldn't understand why He didn't answer my prayers, but now as I look back, I realise that He did answer, but with what we needed not what we wanted.
Have a look at this poem, I hope it helps. http://www.anunda.com/notebook/13.htm
Christine
have a good week:)
Deb
I think you are awesome! You are bound to have bad days when all looks bleak, and if you didn't; considering what you are going through, I would think something WAS wrong... :-)
God bless you and heal you... there ARE miracles.
love ya,
carlene
I don't think it's your lack of faith. It's probably the fact that all you know, all that any of us know for sure, is what it feels like to be alive on earth... we can only imagine the life promised to us after we die. I emailed you a lengthier more complete response. Hang in there, and don't give up. God bless you. Bea
I love that your silly at times and I think you've done a great job of keeping your humor. I think you're doing great and I appreciate that you are so honest with everyone about what your feeling. Thank you for sharing all that with us because I know it has to be hard for you like you said to see it in black and white.
Hope today is a better day for you.
Take care, Chrissie
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