It Was a GOOD Day

Today was a good day.  I returned some phone calls that needed to be made.  I sat on the back porch, and caught the rays of the sun.  Napped. I laughed alot, cried a little and only had one "incident" with food.  Who needs dinner anyway!  :)

 

 

My biopsy is Thursday at 10:00 am. 

I will be arriving back "home" to DC, Saturday. YAAHOOOO!

 

*** Please say prayers for my family.

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

If this is yourfirst time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

For Today

 Thank you Dad for the sausage and cheese balls.  Other than grapes, it's the only food I can eat.  Two in the morning for breakfast!  That's why my sister commented about eating foods shaped like spheres!

Thank you Mom for saying everything and nothing all at the same time.  I'm sorry you have to shut my door so often.  At least, the dog still wants to hang out with me when I'm tossing cookies!

Julie the cards made me cry, of course. I am unbelievably grateful for your friendship. I love you bunches. Mom said she met Lucky.  He didn't sit on HER LAP though!!!!!!!! Ohhh and by the way that song is called Wish Upon A Dog Star.  I'll explain it, later!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michelle thank you for letting me unleash today.  I felt much better after I said everything out loud.  I miss you and I cannot wait to see you.

S.B. ~ thank you for crying with me.  Plain and simple....I love you.

I've been reading Chicken Soup For The Surviving Soul.  I want to share one of my favorites.  Though there were 50 Things I've Learned Along The Way listed.  I picked what I felt mostly applied to my lessons.

* I've learned a patient doesn't just get cancer.  The entire family does.

* I've learned that helping people see the "gift of cancer" is a blessing.

* I've learned that healing the spirit is as important as healing the body.

* I've learned that hospital food MUST be a punishment for sins in a previous life!

* I've learned that your body believes everything you tell it.

* I've learned that timeflies whether you are having fun or not.

* I've learned that reality is what it is, and not what I want it to be.

* I've learned there is a HUGE difference between a major episode and a minor event.

* I've learned that if I don't celebrate the exquisiteness of each day, I've lost something I'll never get back.

* I've learned that grief has no rules.

* I've learned that no one promises us tomorrow.

* I've learned without a sense of humor, I might as well cash in my cards.

I'm exhausted and still in pain.  Coughing and not keeping food down, status quo.  No more bleeding...but shhhhhhhh I am afraid if I say it too loudly I'll jinx myself!

I am going to tuck in now.  Pamela if you are awake, please call me.

I love y'all tons.  Please keep the prayers and comments coming!

 

*** Please say prayers for my family.

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

My Reality

Apparently I wasn't very clear while praying recently. When I told God I wanted to look good in a bathing suit...I didn't mean by way of tossing my cookies daily. And when I prayed to fall in love again before I died...I should have been more specific by saying I wanted to fall in love again and live a very, very long life with him, before dying.  :)

I'm trying to keep my sense of humor.  Some days it is easier then others.  Most days, the reality of my cancer...simply has me feeling down.

I know it isn't necessary to plead my case. I mean, I am usually glass half full.  However, I am feeling exhausted daily. The pain has not decreased, and the fact that I cannot keep a full meal down has become discouraging.  So, when I talk about "this" being the beginning of the end or I cry each time you hear my voice.  It isn't my lack of faith, or me not having the will to feel better or live.  It is my reality.

I realize that it is scary for everyone who reads my words.  I promise you though, it is the most frightening for me.  With that said, forgive me if I am not so quick to return your call or I am aloof.  Every part of me wants to be understood, but sometimes I can't explain what my reality feels like...and more so I don't want to sit and talk about it.

My biopsy for the tumor in my spine is still scheduled for this week.  The only purpose for it, is so that my oncologist can stage the tumor and know how much treatment I will need should I choose the Biological Therapy.

I am also scheduled to go back to DC this week. YEA!!!!!!

I am going to tuck in now. BUT not before asking....

UNCLE GRAVY ~ DID YOU TAKE YOUR PILLS TODAY?????

I love y'all tons.

 

*** Please say prayers for my family.

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

"When You're Down To Nothing, God Is Up To Something."

 My cousin, Marsha (Yes, that's her in the picture with her husband, Lance) forwarded the story below to me.  My Aunt Gloria, was Marsha's mother.  Grab some tissues y'all.  I cannot stop crying.

                   A Little Boy's Story

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?"

 The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair ?" the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at
first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back inhis room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably
wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look
like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything.
But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ?' "God said He was in the same
place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit
at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all
gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?"

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

 

If you're holding a grudge, let go of it.  If you can't forget the argument, forgive it.  If you are worried about the future, try living just for the day.  Laugh loudly, eat ice cream, spend a couple extra bucks, hold hands, buy flowers, have a lazy Sunday, believe in miracles, never forget the words I love you and pray, pray, pray.

 

I sure do love y'all.  Thank you for the continued inspiration. 

 

 

*** Please say prayers for my family.

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

The Fever Broke!!

My fever finally broke today.  It's only 100. I guess that's considered "breaking"....right?  My oncologist didn't find anything particularly wrong in my blood work.  Besides, the cancer.  :) Ohhh come on that was funny!! At least, I'm back to being me!  However, he put me on an antibiotic anyway.  Gotta love that.  I'm still tossing my cookies.  No end in sight for that!  Seriously!

Aunt Gloria's funeral was yesterday.  I was told by several people the service was beautiful. Aside from all the people there celebrating her life, there was plenty of laughter, music and tears. I'm still sad I wasn't able to be there.  I'm very sad she's gone.

Thank you for all the support and prayers.  Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

For all the "new comers"...please just give me a little time to catch up on "things". I promise I'll be adding the links to your journals...so we can share in your lives as well.

I love y'all bunches!  Remember...live in the moment best you can. 

*** Please say prayers for my family.

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back tomy first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

Wow...

I am  abundantly blessed.  Thank you, to each and every one of you for the prayers and blessings.  Thank you for lifting my family up...and for such kind, touching words.

Aunt Gloria's funeral is tomorrow in Philadelphia.  Mom and Dad left this morning.  Sadly, I am here at home.  I've spiked a fever of 102 and I've lost 5.5 lbs in the last three days.  We decided it's best for me to rest.

I will see the doctor later this afternoon.  I will let y'all know what's going on afterwards.

xoxoxoxoxox

9:55 pm ~ Blood work results and doctor prognosis tomorrow.

I love y'all.

God Gave Her Wings

In May,  I sent my Aunt Gloria an email.  In it, I told her she could borrow "my boots"  I told her that sometimes "the battle" sucked and she might need a tough pair to help her over the hills.  Her email replied, "Rene, you have been my idol throughout your fight with cancer. We'll do whatever it takes to win this battle. I thank you for sharing your boots with me.  I love you very much".

Today, I told my Aunt to keep my boots on and take them with her. A few hours later... she did.

 

 

My Aunt Gloria died today.  She was fighting her battle with cancer....but God was warming up her wings.

I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore.  We've all mentioned that she's with my Grandma now.  Comforting as that is, it doesn't stop the tears.

Before you go to sleep tonight, thank God for another day.  Thank God for your parents, your siblings, your dog and best friend.  Use the time you are given, making a difference.  Don't take a single moment for granted...and  never hesitate in saying I love you.  Tomorrow, may never come. 

A huge thank you to everyone leaving comments and saying prayers.  Keep it all coming PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love each of you and cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate you taking this journey with me.

 

*** Please say prayers for my family.

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back tomy first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

Sunny Days Sure Do Help!

It felt good to get out of the house today for something other than a doctor's appointment.  Julie hosted an "unofficial" Girl Scout birthday bash.  Almost every single one of our girls has a June birthday...including me!  :)  They enjoyed cupcakes, gifts and plenty of swimming.  The weather was perfect for a pool party!! 

Julie and I sat in the sun catching up.  She listened to me complain.  I think I mentioned something about being unbearable and hateful these last few days.  :)    I'm sure I'll snap out of it.  It would just be nice if I could keep some food down and stop hurting.  I realize I can't control it or change it.  However, sometimes...I really want to.  Yes, I know...that goes against all my preaching of live in the moment!!!!!

I was thinking though...if Julie's little one, Jonathan keeps hugging on me...I'm sure I'll start to feel much, much better!

It looks like I'll be in DC in August.  I'm not giving the dates just yet.  I don't want to jinx myself!

I'm going to try to tuck in and get some sleep.

I sure do love y'all.

Welcome home FC & JT.

Travel safely Browning's and MN and family !!  Have a FABULOUS time!!!!!!!!!!

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria (she's at home now.), Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back tomy first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

Sleepy

Just wanting to sleep....

Not talk or write.

I'll catch up with y'all tomorrow.

Much Love xoxoxoxoxo          

Who Would Have Guessed THAT Was In There?!!!!!!

  Pamela ~ I couldn't find any decent pictures of a uterus!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Did I at least spell it correctly!?!!!!!!!  Ok, I'll stop with the jokes.

I did see the doctor today for test results and findings.  Boy, oh boy did he find!! 

Here's the news.  I still have Stage IV Ovarian Cancer. :) For all those that don't know, the "other" cancer in my body is metastatic cancer. The tumor, the lungs...it all "spread" from the Ovarian Cancer. Now, let me continue. As I said yesterday, there is no progression in the lung cancer.  However, the coughing is from the cancer.  One of the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer progressed is shortness of breathe and a persistant cough!  The pain is from the tumor in my spine. The tumor will be biopsied and staged August 2nd.  It is inoperable because of it's size. The weight loss is from the cancer, as is the throwing up...it is EXTREMELY unhappy in this stomach of mine.   

The treatment my oncologist is recommending is called Biological Therapy. 

What is biological therapy?

Biological therapy (BYE-o-loj-ee-cal THER-ah-py) is a type of treatment that works with your immune system. It can help fight cancer or help control side effects (how your body reacts to the drugs you are taking) from other cancer treatments like chemotherapy.

What is the difference between biological therapy and chemotherapy?

Biological therapy and chemotherapy are both treatments that fight cancer. While they may seem alike, they work in different ways. Biological therapy helps your immune system fight cancer. Chemotherapy attacks the cancer cells directly.

How does biological therapy fight cancer?

Doctors are not sure how biological therapy helps your immune system fight cancer. But they think it may:

• Stop or slow the growth of cancer cells.
• Make it easier for your immune system to destroy, or get rid of, cancer cells.
• Keep cancer from spreading to other parts of your body.

The side effects include nausea, flu like symptoms, a rash and low blood pressure.  My oncologist will speak to my cardiologist for the ok.  My blood pressure is low now.  Any lower, and I just might fall over and not get back up!

So, there you have it!  Questions?  Concerns??  Y'all know my parents phone number right???!!!!!!  Direct all of that to my mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For anyone that read my entry on Monday, July 16th...and you're wondering who Stephen is.  That's the man in my life.  I didn't meet him recently.  He was actually the guy I was dating before I moved to South Carolina.  The break up was difficult for us both BUT at that point it had to happen. We did keep in touch on and off however, somewhere between the last hospital stay and my birthday we decided to start over.  The starting over part has been AMAZING to say the least.  He's fabulous and to quote what he said..."we've both seen the err of our ways."  Yes, Mom and Dad have met him...and so has Pamela.

I'm going to tuck in now.

Barbie ~ Make sure you read the entry before this one!!!!!!!

I sure love y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria (she's at home now.), Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission), Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back tomy first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

RENE'S FRIEND BARB (and mine too!)

Barb, is that a comment from you in my sister's journal (comment #3)?  I can't believe my eyes.  But it's so nice to see. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

~Pamela

When Tomorrow Comes...

I received a call from the doctor around 8:15 am.  He said he needed to speak with my oncologist from DC before he went over findngs with me.  So, no appointment today unless he calls back.  We'll just have to wait, one more tomorrow! 

I'm going to take a nap.  I didn't have such a great night sleeping!

I love y'all!  Make sure you read all those FABULOUS comments!!!!   xoxoxoxox

Believe In Miracles

The new oncologist is GREAT and extremely thorough!  He started at the VERY beginning with me.  Meaning, the basics.  Blood work, scans and reviewing all the medical records so he can put all the pieces together. What he's trying to "figure out"...where the cough is coming from, why I am bleeding so much, why so much pain and why the rapid weight loss. (I'm loosing about a pound a day).  Basically, has the cancer spread!??!!!!!!!!

I will be getting Procrit injections once a week.  Procrit stimulates red blood cell count.  This will help me for two reasons:                                                                                                   

1)  The more red blood cells I have, the better the transfer of oxygen to my lungs.                                                                           

 2) It will help with the draggy, exhausted feeling.  More energy!  YEA!!

He took me off one of my heart medications.  He said that drug often causes a dry nagging cough.  So, he actually thinks the cough has NOTHING to do with the lungs!!  Another, YEA!!

Ohhhh but here's THE BEST YEA yet!!!  There has been no progression with the lung cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NONE!  NONE! NONE!!  Happy dance, happy dance.  He called about an hour ago to give me that FABULOUS news!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow, I will see him again for more blood work and to go over his findings. 

  I want to give a HUGE thanks to Sugar.  Thank you for lifting me up in prayer every single day. And thank you for sending your friends my way to pray for me and share in this amazing journey.

Thank you to all my friends and family. Not just for the supportive comments in my journal BUT for all the prayers.  PLEASE, PLEASE keep them both coming!!  Did I say please????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A BIG hello to Caroline and Jacob.  I love y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxox

Stephen ~ You're doing great!!!  Thanks for coming back.  I love you more today then yesterday.

For anyone that doesn't believe in miracles....BELIEVE!! BELIEVE!!  BELIEVE!!!

I AM A WALKING MIRACLE!!!  Thank you God.  :)

I'm closing this one for now!  If you want to see me up close and personal, click on one of those pictures above!

I love y'all!

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria (she's back in the hospital), Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

Maybe More Tomorrow

Not much for words tonight, sorry.  My doctor's appointment is tomorrow.  I'll keep y'all posted.

Much Love xoxoxoxox

About Me...

                                                 

Hello.  Here's the scoop on me.  I'm not doing so well.  I haven't had this many consecutive bad days....well never.  Except when I was doing chemotherapy.  I'm feeling discouraged, sad and scared. 

I am going to try to get out of the house for a little while on Sunday.  I did sit outside on the swing for about 15 minutes tonight when I let Cassie dog out.  Fresh air felt good.

My parents went to Philly to see Aunt Gloria and family.  Keep us in your prayers please.

I am going to try to watch a movie and tuck in.

I love y'all.  I am so grateful for another day.

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria (she's back in the hospital), Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

It's All About Me

                                                     

Today my attitude was better.

Today I put some laundry away.

Today I drove myself to get a hair cut.

Today the pain didn't feel as bad.

Today I cried when I read journal comments.

Today I sat outside and felt the warmth of the sun on my face.

Today I weigh less than I have in the last four years.

Today I rubbed my Mom's back after she hit her funny bone.

Today I started looking for a plane ticket so I can go to DC again.

Today I listened to two CD's I had never listened to before.

Today I read Chicken Soup For The Surviving Souls.

Today I tried napping.

Today I said I love you to every person who called me.

Today I've made this entry all about me.

 

Sure do love y'all!

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria (she's home from the hospital), Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

The Trip - Not The Station

The Station

        by Robert J. Hastings        

Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long, long trip that almost spans the continent. We're traveling by passenger train, and out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hills, of biting winter and blazing summer and cavorting spring and docile fall.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. There will be bands playing, and flags waving. And once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true. So many wishes will be fulfilled and so many pieces of our lives finally will be neatly fitted together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering ... waiting, waiting, waiting, for the station.

However, sooner or later we must realize there is no one station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

"When we reach the station, that will be it !" we cry. Translated it means, "When I'm 18, that will be it ! When I buy a new 450 SL Mercedes Benz, that will be it ! When I put the last kid through college, that will be it ! When I have paid off the mortgage, that will be it ! When I win a promotion, that will be it ! When I reach the age of retirement, that will be it ! I shall live happily ever after !"

Unfortunately, once we get it, then it disappears. The station somehow hides itself at the end of an endless track.

"Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24: "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather, it is regret over yesterday or fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.

So, stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more and cry less. Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.

That's one of my Momma's favorites!!

I love y'all.  Thank you for the prayers and for understanding that I've been facing some rough days.  I'll be seeing the new oncologist on Monday.  For the time being...nothing has changed.  Bleeding, pain, coughing....status quo.

Ohhhh and for those of you that didn't know and can't see the smile on my face....there's a man in my life!!!!!!!!!!

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria (she's home from the hospital), Nathan (They didn't "get it all".), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

Playing Cards

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold, well. 

~ Josh Billings                    

             

For the most part, I believe I play my cards well.  Of course, there's that one card.  It's my cancer card.  Realize, it's a very powerful card.  It can scare people into thinking it's actually contagious.  It can turn one prayer into one million.  The cancer card can make you hit absolute rock bottom.  It can also renew your faith in God.  The cancer card has to be played accordingly...just right. However, the problem with that is...no one has ever explained the rules.  So, I tuck my cancer card back into my hand. I play it the best I can and I go on believing no matter what, I've won the game.

 

I love y'all.  Good night.

 

PS ~ Michelle....leave a comment please.  I need to redeem myself and show ya some love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ha ha.

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria and our family, Nathan (He's Home!!!), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

 

 

 

When The Warrior Is Weak Who Will Hold His Hand?

Some of you didn't know me when I was going through chemotherapy.  I'd like to think I took the treatment like a champ.  Maybe I did.  Maybe I didn't.  There are bits and pieces of that part of my life I remember.  Oddly, most of them I don't.

I do recall some days after I had my "cocktail", I would lay in bed bundled underneath comforters.  Mom would come over and wash dishes and finish my laundry. In between sleep and potty calls, I could hear children outside laughing and playing and traffic buzzing by, dogs barking and life happening.  It was terrible.  It was terrible to "hear" life, especially because I felt like mine was being sucked away.

It shouldn't surprise you that not long after that round of chemo, when still more chemo was being advised. I decided to quit having the ports jammed in my arms...forever.  I was done.  I wanted the quality of my life back.

So, here I am...and now you know the story.  Many ask if I regret my decision.  I don't.  Not at all.

Now, however I feel like I am at a similar crossroad.  The bad days are becoming more frequent, and the pain killers aren't cutting it.  So, what do I do??  Lord knows, living like "this" is certainly affecting the quality of my life.  But perhaps, this is what the cancer is going to do with me.  I'm not feeling up for dancing the tango.  I'm not about to give up either.

So, let me answer the question for you.  When the warrior is weak who will hold his hand??  I'm asking that each of you will.  In fact, I will hold my hand out to you, if you promise to reach back and squeeze it tightly. With no words spoken at all.

I love y'all so very much!

Thank you Julie. Your words inspired me, obviously!!  You're an incredible friend. 

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria and our family, Nathan (He's Home!!!), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

An Email

I'm crying.  It's Julie's fault.  She sent me an email that said everything I needed to hear.  So why the tears, y'all are wondering?!  Oh because sometimes I just need to know it is ok to be me.  It's ok to let loose and cry.  It's ok to talk about being scared.  And it's ok to share my reality with a friend, no matter how terrible it might be to cope with.

I sure do love y'all!! 

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria and our family, Nathan (He's Home!!!), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

Needing A Bit Of Inspiration Myself

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell.
~Lance Armstrong

Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
~Mary Manin Morrissey

"When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure ... Either God will provide something solid to stand on or .... We will be taught to fly. "

 Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live.
~Dorothy Thompson

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do.                                                                                    

~Zachary Scott

There is a gigantic difference between earning a great deal of money and being rich.                        ~Marlene Dietrich

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa

Nothing should be prized more highly than the value of each day.
~Goethe

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
~Gilda Radner

 

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria and our family, Nathan (He's Home!!!), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

Just An Update

Short and sweet.  Well, not so sweet. The bleeding stopped for two days.  It's now started all over again and I'm passing the big ole blood clots again too.  It's yucky.  I'm taking pain meds regularly and feel like I need to sleep more often than I'd like to.  The cough is the same.

I will see the new oncologist on the 16th.  It seems like a very long time to wait. Sigh...

Happy 4th!!

"Happy fourth of July everyone–we love this holiday here in the south–every redneck in Anderson County has already spent hundreds of dollars on fireworks…and tonight there will be an abundance of explosions.  ANY reason we can find to blow things up–we’re all over it!"

The above is from someone else's blog.  Seeeeeeeeeee I was being totally serious!  For those of you who aren't sure what I'm talking about.  Read yesterday's journal entry.

I hope you enjoy today.  Even if you don't see any fireworks. (WHAT?? No fireworks???)  Sit back, relax, have some BBQ, enjoy your friends and family, and be thankful for another day!

I love y'all.

You've Figured Me Out!

Alright, so I suck.  I have a bad attitude right now, I'm not taking phone calls, and I just want to sleep.  I'm certain if my insides fell out...correction what's left of my insides I would feel much better.  I could just step over them and walk on about my merry way.  Yea, I know be careful of what I wish for.  Did I mention this hateful cough??  OK I'll stop complaining.  It could be so much worse.

People are setting off fireworks already.  I can hear them.  Unlike Maryland, they are legal here.  So much so, that every corner ya drive by...has a huge fireworks stand.  Mike's Marvelous Missile Fireworks, Fred's Fabulous Fireworks, Sam's Super Firework's World.  No, really I'm serious.  Ha ha.

Anyone remember the guy I was dating before I left Maryland?  Smiling....

I'm going to respond to comments now, and then go to sleep.

Sure do love y'all!

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria and our family, Nathan (He's Home!!!), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish and David Carey. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

Sometimes...

I wish the cancer would just disappear.

A Sleeping pill and some diamonds.

I fell asleep for about two hours.  I couldn't get comfortable though...and here I am.  It's 3:10 am. I continue to have pain. The Loritab doesn't even seem to be taking the edge off.  Sitting is uncomfortable and getting up is worse.  I don't like it. 

Below is something Pamela emailed me.  I actually read it, when I was at her house.  I kept forgetting to forward it to everyone.   As it turns out, I decided it was more appropriate to post it here instead.

Hey Dad,

     I’m sitting here at Crater of Diamond’s State Park (AR – not Arizona but Arkansas) admiring the diamond that I found. Oh yeah, people come from all over to this big, muddy field to look for diamonds. Here’s the kicker, whatever you find you get to keep.

     Why just within the last year, two diamonds over 6 karats each were found. In fact, they average about 3 diamond finds a day here. Most are no bigger than the head of a match.

     There’s not much to it, actually. Some people dig big holes or sift the soil through wooden screens in hopes of finding the treasure, but others (including some of the big diamond finders) just look along the surface for anything that looks shiny.

     That’s how I found my diamond. I just looked over and there it was. It’s a big, pretty, reddish-looking one. It must weigh about 2 pounds and is as large as the palm of my hand…what, you thought I meant a genuine diamond? Of course I didn’t. The chances of finding a real diamond are like finding…a diamond in a big, muddy field. What I found was just a smooth orange rock, but I’ll treasure it like it’s a REAL diamond.

     And when I get home, I’ll clean it off, write the date we found it on it, and place it by my desk or in another prominent place next to all my other ‘fake diamonds.’ You see I’ve got a bunch of fake diamonds from all over.

I’ve got a leaf from Mount Vernon, dirt from the dam at Johnstown, water from the swimming pool at Fort Wilderness, a palm frond from a condo westayed at in Florida, Ike’s pirate tooth, Abe’s pacifier, and even the steel ball baring that Ike swallowed (it came out the other end.)

     They’re all fake diamonds---souvenirs of special moments with special people. They don’t have any value on their own, but to me their invaluable and they help me remember moments I never want to forget…or the REAL diamonds.

     So, Dad, keep an eye out for fake diamonds. It might be a Coke can from a picnic, a rock from a special place, or a special shirt that your child outgrows. Hold on to them, and let those ‘fake diamonds’ remind you of the ‘REAL diamonds.’

You ‘da Dad,

Todd 

AKA – The Diamond Hunter

 

Have any "diamonds"??  I know I sure do.  One of my favorites is a frame Pamela made me that has dried flowers from the Mojave desert.  When we were there it was one of the most special, happiest moments in my life.  When I die, that's where I want some of my ashes spread. I hope that last comment didn't freak anyone out!  It's the truth, and hey I didn't say when I die soon...I just said when I die...because we all are going to die at some point.  Ya know?!

I'm going to try to go back to sleep.  I hope y'all are having a great weekend!  Remember how much I love and appreciate you!

 

Congratulations and a lifetime of happiness, love and blessings to Kurt and Felricia!!  They were married Saturday!!!!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

*** Please say prayers for My Aunt Gloria and our family, Nathan (He's moved to the Ronald McDonald House.), Ms Bobby (shestarted radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish and David Carey. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq, fighting the war.

 

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!