Good Night, Irene

I've read that some penitentiaries paint the cell walls baby blue as it is suppose to have a calming effect.  I hope this color brings some calm into your life.  Rene sure could've used some baby blue tonight.  It's a good thing that the best nurse (that would be mom) and lots of drugs seem to do the trick.  At 11:42PM I heard that special ring tone (be it ever so humble there's no place like home- you'll have to google the music if the lyrics are unfamiliar to you), letting me know it was my parents number.  I figured immediately it was Rene (my parents never call that late).  She was in terrible pain.  It seems the pain is getting worse and more frequent.  I listened, we cried, I breathed deeply, and she tried to.  It's amazing how slowly time goes when you want it to pass quickly.  When it was all over we were laughing again and sharing the highlights of our evening.  I told Rene that we were making up new lyrics for the "What are little girls/boys made of..." song.  It never seems fair that the girls get all the sweet things and the boys get the puppy dog tails.  We came up with good ones for all the kids, but the funniest was the one for the cat.  Daniel said, "What is Faith Browning made of?  Fat and fur and gets on my nerves, that's what Faith Browning is made of."  If you knew our cat, you would know that she only likes Sarah (my oldest) and is not very kind to the rest of us despite our efforts to charm her.  It was very funny, we were all belly laughing.  Rene shared with me that she and my parents also laughed hard recalling an episode when Rene and I got caught for skipping school (all young impressionable readers should not read any further).  It seems that we both were forging my father's signature on the same day at the same time.  Needless to say, our signatures were not identical, oops, BUSTED!  I'm glad we can laugh about it now, at the time, no one saw it as humorous.  Anyway, mom took the phone from Rene, propped her up with her husband (just one of those pillows with a back and arms), gave her some tea and more drugs and that was it.  She slurred a very peaceful and sleepy "I love you" and she was out.  Mom and I laughed and were thankful it worked.

Say prayers for a good nights sleep and a less painful tomorrow.  Say prayers for all those you love and  then those you don't.  Say prayers for grace and forgiveness, we all need that.  Say prayers that todays mistakes will be tomorrows strengths.  I'll say prayers for all of you.  Sleep tight!

With much love,
Pamela

Last Night's Entry, Posted Today

Burning candles and listening to some music I don't normally listen to.  I promised myself I would just type and not think anything out.  Simply let my fingers do the work.  I've been thinking about death...probably a bit too much.  In between dreaming and waking...thinking, thinking, thinking.  I cry knowing that everyone will be weepy and sad if I leave this world soon.  And I don't say that with conceit.  I say it out of love and concern for all those I care about.  I can't help but think of the year and a half that went by...where that wonderful man of mine was absent from my life because both of us were busy keeping score and holding grudges. Instead of trying to repair a love we both knew couldn't be replaced. Lesson, live in the moment. I chuckle thinking about how it's taken me this long to understand my father.  That the touch of his hand on my back is a security and warmth I really never thought we'd have again.  I don't regret a single moment it's taken me to get here with him though.  I wonder what goes through Mom's head when she doesn't hear me "stirring" around in the morning. When she comes near my closed door does she listen for breathing??  Is she overwhelmed thinking about "loosing" me?  I question why people "What if..." me. What if the cyst in your breast is malignant?  What if the doctors say you have three months left to live?  What if you can't go back to DC at the end of the month?  I don't really "do" what if's because they are just that, "what if's".  I could "what if" myself into delirium. What if doesn't change a situation or give it more clarity.  It's speculation.  It's hoping for answers to the unknown.  For now however...let's play the "what if" game. Ha ha.  Just once, and I get to give the answers.  Ready...go!!

What ifI was never diagnosed with cancer???? 

I would have never started noticing pink and orange sunsets. I wouldn't know the value of true friendships.  I would still be taking myself too seriously.  I wouldn't be grateful that I get to hang out with my parents every Friday night . I would have never realized how sweet the birds sound singing at the crack of dawn. Or how fun it is making snow angels in the snow. I would have never realized how quickly children grow and how important it is to watch them do it. I would still be taking my sister for granted.  I would be complaining far more than I actually do about things that actually don't matter.  I wouldn't have decided to swim in the lake or get on the boat for the Pony swim.  I would be less likely to pray and have faith and more likely to act like the world owed me a favor.  I would never be able to see beyond the clouds or see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wouldn't have noticed those beautiful flowers sitting in the Mojave desert and I wouldn't have found humor in getting left in the dark at a park I had never been to.  I would take hugs and laughter for granted and my doggie's wet nose too.  

It's been difficult these last couple of weeks, to tighten the laces on my boots.  (They have some extra wear on them since they helped Aunt Gloria with her wings.) I'm still not sure we're going to hike this next hill gracefully or at all. So for now, I am going to sit quietly and rest and brush the dirt off my knees.  If you see me, and want to sit and stay awhile I'd sure like that.  If you don't, I'll understand that too.

I sure do love y'all.

SNAFU

I'm not sure what happenend folks. There was a jounral entry posted last night.  I know this for certain because... 1) I wrote it.     2) Dawn (Princess Aurora) actually cut and pasted part of it to me in an email. 3) Many of my other friends have emailed me saying they were alerted by AOL that I posted a new entry BUT it wasn't in my jounral to read!!  Sigh...

I am heavily medicated at this moment, and need to sleep some of it off.  I will try to figure out what the issue is with AOL.  Either way, I will return later to write again!

I love y'all tons! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

A Short Update

I love all the comments! THANK YOU! Keep them coming please!

I woke up Wednesday morning with much of the same pain as the last entry. No fun. That wonderful man in my life stayed on the phone with me while I cried and bellowed. He really surprised me...it used to be he couldn't even bear to hear me cry.  Mom made tea and toast and rubbed my legs and back.  I took Oxycontin and prayed it wouldn't be long before it kicked in. I shut off my cell for awhile so I could sleep deeply and uninterrupted...and much sooner than later, I did.

I haven't been answering the phone and I'm way behind on emails.

My ultrasound and mammogram are rescheduled AGAIN for September 11th.  My appointment for the liver tumor is September 14th.  I see my cardiologist September 20th and September 22nd,  I'm flying back to DC.  :)

Please click on this link and pass it on! http://www.parade.com/features/your-america/flashes-of-hope.html

 

I'm going back to sleep.  I love y'all.

 

            HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

to my sister and brother in law!!!!!! 

 

PRAYERS and BIG ANGEL HUGS for Chris Carey. This is a  special day honoring the life and death of her daughter,  Elizabeth.

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a reoccurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

 

Cancer Patient Gets Liver Pain Under Control & Tummy Cancer Goes Wild

Finally,  pain I can say that was WORSE than child birth!  SERIOUSLY.  The only difference...I didn't deliver any of the cancer.  It's all still inside of me. What a bad deal!! 12:31 am yesterday morning.  I'm uncomfortable.  I get out of bed, go to the kitchen for some water.  I came back to my room and used the potty.  I turned the light on, paced the floor for oh I don't know a few minutes, and at 12:37 am all hell broke loose in my tummy.  Before you ask, YES I took an Oxycontin at 10:30 pm.  It obviously wasn't working!!!!!!!  I tossed my cookies.  I sat on the edge of my bed rocking back and forth convincing myself the pain was going to subside.  It didn't.  I screamed for my mother three times.  In her nightie, obviously startled she came into my room trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  All I managed to get out was "it hurts, it hurts...it's never going to stop."  Trust me, I believed that.  I don't know why I insist on rocking back and forth when it's painful BUT I do it. Mom sat right next to me, rubbing my back while I sobbed and told her I just couldn't do "this" anymore. Scary words to say...worse when you actually feel like it's true.  I called my sister at 1:41 am.  She's usually excellent at calming me. The pain was too much though and I could barely concentrate on what she was saying to me.  Mom kept taking the phone, updating Pamela and handing it back to me.  Pain wasn't going away.  Neither was my sobbing.  Peppermint tea!!  That always seem to calm my tummy some.  Mom went to brew it.  The pain still wasn't subsiding.  I knew I was going to die.  I hung up with Pam, and Mom came back with a cup of tea.  She again sat right next to me and I laid my head on her shoulder and just let it all go.  Uncontrollable tears. I sipped the tea and Mom convinced me to take a half a Percocet even though it wasn't time.  I did.  She propped pillows up on the bed, put my legs under the covers and made sure I was sitting up as "comfortable" as I couldbe.  More tea.  Less rocking back and forth. Still sobbing. The pillows felt good behind me and at 2:07 am the meds put the cancer to sleep for the night.  Shortly after, I was asleep too.

Those tummy "sessions" used to only last twenty minutes or so.  That one stayed from 12:37 am to 2:07 am.  Believe me when I tell you, I don't want to "do" that again and I don't know if I could.

I told Mom, if that continues to happen....she needs to shoot me because I am not willing to live like that.  It just isn't living!

The ultra sound on my breast and mammogram is tomorrow at 1:45 pm.  Mom is taking me since I can't drive doped up!

It's way after bed time.  I have to tuck in. 

I love y'all!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxox

Please say prayers for my parents . They "watch" me every single day. They do anything and everything they can to make my life easier and comfortable.  Even when I'm at my worst, they still love  me and laugh with me.

Please say prayers for my sister who feels helpless when I make those "after hour" calls.  She never says so, but I can only imagine if I were in her shoes how badly I'd want to rescue her.  She's my sister...."without her I don't make sense"!!!!!!!!!!

 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore ~ she's having a reoccurrence in her lungs, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

 

 

.

Tolerable

 How cool is that?  Hot air balloons are awesome.  Riding in one is on my list of things to do.  It's listed right underneath...Go whale watching with my sister.  Have any of you ever seen the whales??  I don't mean at Sea World!!!

                                       

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice about dealing with the pain.  Thanks to everyone who emailed me with questions and suggestions also.

I was taking Percocet 10-650 mg every six hours and Lorcet 7.5-650 mg in between.  As of today (Yea!!), I am taking Oxycontin 40 mg every twelve hours.  I must say, it's taken the edge off.  I am still in some pain BUT it is tolerable.  I'm unable to lay on my right side to sleep.  However, I feel like I am sitting, walking and breathing much easier. Thank God!! That's after taking only one pill!  The side effects are entertaining.  I am sort of starring into nowhere, feeling incredibly silly and my eyes are heavy...begging me to go to sleep!  That, I will do very shortly.

Other ramblings...

Dad made this incredible chocolate pie.  It's like a big ole chunky, chocolaty brownie with crust.  Oh who am I kidding?!  That description hardly does it justice!!

I did not watch Crazy, Sexy Cancer on TLC.   http://video.aol.com/video-detail/a-womans-crazy-sexy-cancer-tips/3153295967  I'm sorry I missed it, because I saw a clip of it on the Today's Show.  I have to get the book and meet that woman (Kris Carr).

I'm addicted to Trident Sugar Free Gum Raspberry Lime and the little Crystal Light packets that you put into your water.

I'm ready for Fall and the leaves to change.

I'm also ready for bed!!!!

I love y'all tons.

 

*** Please say prayers for Tammy and her family. 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!

Quick Note

I'm still waiting for my oncologist to call.  I can't take the pain any longer.  He either gets me stronger meds and moves my September 14th appointment up with the new oncologist or I am off to the ER.

I hope everyone has something relaxing or exciting planned for the long weekend.  Here in Anderson, it's the Balloon Fest.  Hot air balloons!  It's very cool, BUT my Cassie dog doesn't seem to think so.

I am going to crawl back into bed now though, not before I acknowledge a few of you.!!

Happy Birthday Red!!  Have a fabulous time in Chicoteague!

Jules ~ thank you for coming over with the kids.  I love them to pieces...ohhh and you too.

Barbie ~ your message about my Southern "accent" was hilarious.

Leeann ~ sooooooooooo thrilled to see a comment from the Guam Girlie!!  Where is that anyway???  Ha ha.

All you new readers and all those who were "sent" here by a friend.  Thank you so much for your support and prayers.  It is uplifting and heart warming.  I hope you keep reading!

Browning bunch travel safely! Give my love to MN and family!

Good night my friends.  I love y'all.

*** Please say prayers for Tammy and her family. 

*** Please say prayers for Nathan (He is starting chemo and radiation again.), Ms Bobby (she started radiation), Mr. Russo, Ms Pammy (recovering from surgery.), Lenore, Trish, David Carey, Sugar, Cindy (She's in remission),Tammy (she's in remission) and Jeannette. They are fighting the battle with cancer too .

*** Please say prayers for Jay Carey and his family.  He is in Iraq.

 

If this is your first time reading my journal, PLEASE go back to my first entry on 11-15-06 to read about the title MEET ME AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!! Thanks!